11.02.06
Posted in On The Open Road, Posts By Adam B., Seafood at 5:48 am by Administrator
Hi folks. Adam B. here, hoping to take a moment to go back in time with you and Famous Fat Dave. The month was March, the year was 2003: a tumultuous time for our nation. Scorn for America was building as the leader of the Free World abondoned reckless diplomacy in favor of a cool, calculated blitz to Baghdad.
Things were tense between worldwide anti-war protests mounting and Nicole Kidman duking it out with Rene Zellweger for best actress. With iTunes still a month away, what better way to escape reality than a trip to Portland, Maine to vist our friends Ian and Marin.
FFD and I hopped in the Maxima and headed to Maine from Maryland via Philadelphia, where we stopped for piping hot soft pretzels . . . and cheesesteaks . . . oh yeah, we stopped for hoagies too.
Once we got to Maine, we knew that no reunion with auld-tyme friend would be complete without a feast. And no feast in Maine is complete without lobster. So by the transitive property, Dave and I made it our mission to find the most succulent, meaty, fisty lobsters that we could afford. We set out on the streets of Portland on a cold, crisp, sunny day. Blue jeans and sweatshirts. Hand and hand.
We ended up at the creaky Harbor Fish Market where freshly caught seafood practically dances from the boat to your plate. Dave and I persevered through the anti-tourist tactics of black flies and ridicule (in a thick New accent) for lack of lobster knowledge. We emerged from the store with a cardboard cornucopia of crustaceans.
We arrived back at the house, and while the rest of the feast was being prepared, a pang of conscience came over us while staring into the box. We decided to give our main course a few more minutes of dignity in the master bathroom (unbeknownst to our hosts).
When the time came to transfer the lobsters to the kitchen, any dignity that remained was quickly erased by Dave in one fell schwing:
Thankfully our host Ian knew what the hell he was doing and took charge of the operation. With Cheshire grins, the three of us proudly pose with our prize catch just before the boil:
And a few minutes later, viola! The well-deserved reward for a hard day of deep sea shopping. The lobsters are served prete-a-mange along with all the fixin’s (don’t worry Marylanders, the Old Bay Seasoning was present but off camera).
Famous said grace. Then we toasted to health, good cheer, and a merciful Jewish G-d who hopefully understands the complexities and difficulties of abiding by all laws of kashrus in a modern, predominately gentile society.
Amen
Harbor Fish Market, 9 Custom House Wharf, Portland, Maine
Visit Adam B.’s Zone You Can Deal With! and tell him where Tupac is
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09.07.06
Posted in Famous Fat Dave's Five Borough Eating Tours, Posts By Adam B. at 5:18 pm by Administrator
Ladies and gents, below is a picture of my manager: Adam B. I’ll let you guess which one he is. Managing my career from the safe distance of Oahu gives him time to practice his juggling act on the streets of Waikiki (notice that they are perfectly in sync). Still, Adam has no patience for the public’s fickleness, so he sent along a “List Of Questions One Must Ask One’s Self Before Taking A Five Borough Eating Tour.” Please consider it.
In the unedited words of Adam B.:
Famous Fat Dave’s Five Borough Eating Tour On The Wheels Of Steel is all about two things: 1. The greatest foods that New York City has to offer and 2. You, the customer. Each private tour is custom tailored to satisfy you, entice you, and open you up to worlds of heavily salted and high fat foods that you may not have tried on your own. In order to provide specialized service, it is imperative that “Famous” knows a bit about you. Before you hop in the cab, here are a few things that you need to ask yourself, along with an explanation as to why:
1. Does my religion forbid me from eating pork products?
Because if so, God dammit. Bacon tastes good. . . pork chops taste gooooooood.
2. Am I allergic to peanuts?
Ahhhhhh, that suuuuuuuucks for you if that’s true! Peanuts are in EVERYTHING these days dude.
3. Am I a current or former member of the New York City Taxi and Limousine Commission?
This is important information that should be disclosed to Famous WAY before embarking in the Wheels of Steel.
4. We just came from a matinee and we ate Toblerone at intermission, followed by dinner in midtown. We just want to drive around to one or two places for a nibble. Is that okay?
Get the hell out of the cab right now.
5. Do I fear that which I don’t understand?
Famous will take you to neighborhoods that you definitely haven’t been to before. This is important because he can’t be bothered with silly, unfounded concerns for personal safety. New York is the safest big city in America.
6. Am I a finicky eater?
An eating tour implies a diverse menu of exotic foods. One must approach the Wheels of Steel with both an open mind and mouth.
7. Am I the type of person would would hold Dave responsible should I suffer an upset stomach as a result of taking the Five Borough Eating Tour?
Um, yeah. Again, information that must be disclosed to Famous before embarking on the Wheels of Steel.
8. Am I a Red Sox fan who must wear a Red Sox cap or make this fact otherwise known?
No dice.
9. Am I a renowned publisher and/or TV producer and/or Hollywood movie director thinking of making Dave an offer?
If so, understand that Famous Fat Dave has numerous offers for books, and television series, and movies already. Any offer you make must be competitive and production must begin immediately if Dave is to consider it.
10. I refuse to eat cannoli unless the filling is hand-piped into the shell. Is this going to be a problem on the tour?
No
Visit Dave’s www.famousfatdave.com if you passed this quiz
Visit Adam B.’s Zone You Can Deal With if you failed
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06.02.06
Posted in On The Open Road, Posts By Adam B. at 8:16 am by Administrator
It is time to introduce the guy behind the guy behind the guy. It is time to introduce the man whose genius was responsible for a large chunk of this site in its infancy (a couple months ago). It is time to introduce Adam B.:
Adam lives on Oahu. He holds a very sensitive position for the United States government, keeping an eternal vigil gazing north over Turtle Bay in search of another squadron of Japanese Zeros on their way to Pearl Harbor. He also keeps the greatest old school site on the internet at www.adam.belsky.com (How is Tupac, and have you seen him lately?). But in the meantime, he will be posting from time to time on The Hungry Cabbie as my muse and my consigliere. Enjoy his first post here below:
BY ADAM-
You might wonder how Famous Fat Dave gets himself into so many different threatening-to-himself/ hilarious-to-readers situations. The answer is simple: dedication. Dave is so dedicated to chowhounding that he has been willing to risk it all on more than one occasion just for a bite.
One day back when we went to Herbert Hoover Middle School, he snuck into my house while my family and I were at synagogue, because he had noticed extra-lean corned beef in my lunch box and could not rest until he discovered the “gold vein.” We almost called the police because we thought our house had been robbed. My point is that Dave’s dedication to food supercedes common sense and, for that matter, the American code of justice. Indeed it supercedes any hope of a more stable career than taxi cab driving.
You, the reader, should be so lucky that he takes this burden upon himself and passes the spoils on to you in blog format. When Dave decided to visit me here in Hawaii for a vacation this year, I agreed to host him under only one condition: no grub-grubbing. I told him, “You are not here to drive all over the island looking for the best poi or spam and squid filet. You are here to relax.”
And relax he did, as evidenced in this Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition-esque photo of him at a waterfall high up on Oahu:
However, as the vacation progressed, it became increasingly apparent that Dave was physically and emotionally incapable of restraining himself from going far out of his way to seek superior sustenance. His palate needed pleasing, and he quickly devolved into a hunter/gather state, salivating at anything that even remotely resembled unique, exotic cuisine:
It was at this point that I decided to compromise. So I drove, and we braved the Honolulu traffic for what I feel is the best Hawaiian restaurant on Oahu: Helena’s Hawaiian Food. That fine eatery specializes in honest, authentic, simply prepared Hawaiian foods that are throwbacks to bygone days. Helena’s boasts Hawaiian island cuisine par excellence, prepared in the old ways and sprinkled with love.
Keeping true to the laid back aloha spirit of Hawaii, it turned out Helena has so much aloha that she doesn’t feel the need to share it on Sundays. The place is only open Tuesday through Saturdays, 10am to 7pm Hawaii Standard Time. Frustrated at my failure to deliver the goods, we decided on another nearby restaurant that has slightly more convenient hours:
Being a true east coaster, Dave had never been to a Jack In The Box. Here in Oahu though, the fast food chain is open 24 hours a day and can only be found on the corner of every major intersection in Honolulu. Dave was psyched for his debut burger and curly fries. Here is a picture of The Double F. D. with the former clown turned fictional founder, CEO, and ad spokesperson for the franchise:
At this point in a Hungry Cabbie blog post, I would normally describe and photo-journal the foods in which Dave and I partook. Unfortunately, we didn’t get that far at Jack In The Box. Dave forgot he was no longer in the melting pot of mainland America. He wasn’t in the frame of mind of a rather recently annexed Polynesian island. Being a history buff as well as an opinionated New York Jew, he managed to offend some Japanese customers with a loud rant about Japanese atrocities during World War II, and we were summarily kicked out of the Jack In The Box before getting our food (better than being summarliy executed before a squad of militaristic war mongers I suppose).
The incident made it painfully obvious that he needed to get back to New York City. But he loved the lifestyle in Hawaii so much he began studying the habits of Honolulu’s cab drivers, and inquiring as to how to get a Hawaiian hack license. I was particularly worried when he spoke irrationally highly of a cabbie he met while I was at work who told him that he has slept in his cab for almost 20 years just so that he could keep living on the expensive North Shore and surfing every day.
Dave’s vacation was officially over; he needed to get back to New York City where he could chowhound in peace. This photo with Melissa was supposed to be a final farewell, a classic shot of Waikiki Beach with the Diamond Head crater as a backdrop:
Jesus Christ Dave.
Helena’s Hawaiian Food, 1240 North School St., Honolulu, Hawaii
Jack In The Box, 535 Dillingham Blvd., Honolulu, Hawaii
Visiti www.famousfatdave.com for a smile or to book a five borough eating tour
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